Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?
is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?
True friendship; bangin a girl to get ur friends hat back
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
rumor has it I kept asking you to go to the "tall grass" with me...sorry about that.
White people are beatboxing! Save me.
Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.
I'll be there in a few.
I'M COUNTING TO FEW.
I've had three separate encounters with cops in the last 9 hours.... In two different states
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
my poor anus
the last thing I remember is taking a pull of ever clear and chasing it with vodka
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
