Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.
Damn, it's been so long since I had sex I could use the cobwebs from my vagina to decorate for Halloween.
She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.
Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.
Making drunken Mac n cheese at 3 am I understand why witches constantly stir their cauldrons. Much more homogenized temperature and slim chance of boiling over. Good job witches.
too late I already started a fight with someone named luscious
No one needs to know about the barren wasteland that is my vag. Sometimes i visualize my cervix rocking back and forth wondering where everybody went.
I just pictured that. It's reading a book.
I DO have hobbies! I drink. I drink more. I catfish men on Grindr with photos of guys who are less attractive than me. I listen to Lovecraftian podcasts. I'm very well-rounded.
Everyone is a disappointment when you lose your virginity to nine inches
Clearly you need to take sleeping pills and put your phone in the toilet
Listen. The next time my first idea in the morning is "hometown buffet and a water bottle full of captain morgan", please make me go back to sleep.
Randomize
