I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.
listen if there's one thing I'm asking of you tonight is that you buy me a cow for my farmville.
Tell me you're stoned. It's 2:40am.
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
I'm more impressed with the spaghetti smoothie at the present moment.
he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem
they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you
pretty sure I just got a "sorry I have a new boyfriend" blow job. Confused, but totally ok with it.
The trash can in my living room is full of Popsicle sticks and my vibrator has taken up permanent residence on my coffee table. I'm not doing anything productive. Clearly.
Thank god he came over. I had to have some good sex to makeup for all the bad sex I've been having.
WE HAVE WINE WHERE ARE YOU GUYS WE ARE BY THE GIANT EAGLE
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
I must stop trying to make out with my friends when I'm hammered.
You really need to stop getting injured so often it's really starting to negatively impact my sex life. Oh and get well soon. . . no seriously though hurry the fuck up.
its like probably shouldnt be sending pics of your asshole to strangers who work in the same building as you
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
