I asked my mom, she said yes...but you have to shower with grandpa.
I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning
I just got a mental picture of us having sex in a trash can.
I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.
No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.
... why is there a bottle of pee on my headboard?
Is she still in your room?
Not for long. My plan is to smoke her out like a small woodland creature.
How do you tell an ex that banging less hot chicks than me is highly insulting? I almost want to try and get him laid with a pretty girl just to save some face for dating him so long.
Apparently the Massachusetts Bay Transit Authority severely looks down on Chinese firedrills on a public bus
Yeah but the people love.
Just realized my relationship wasn't even Facebook official and I'd already cheated on him. 'Shitty girlfriend' is an understatement.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
I take it you're alive?
Mostly. Can't quite control my arms.
Randomize
