What's wrong?
Long week. Sore muscles. Bad back. Hangover. Mini-keg. Crazy ex-wife. Unavailable love-interest. Dead celebrity families. Republicans.
Pussy.
Your therapist is not going to think that you using your vagina as revenge is okay
You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.
you tipped EVERY employee at white castle
I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.
Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.
Did someone do a keg stand in my bathtub?
He once got bit in the face by a dog and still got laid the same night. He owns Memorial Day Weekend
drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
Woke up. Found about 20 condoms upstairs. A hole in the couch. Bread on the floor. Going back to sleep.
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
So... my daughter's new girlfriend Is the daughter of the girl I dated on and off in college Who ran away because she got pregnant at my house party. My Legitimate daughter Is probably fucking my Illegitimate daughter...
Very mixed signals tonight. He gave me the best handjob while gloating about the Superbowl to his dad on the phone. When he was done he left me on the sofa alone for ten minutes before returning with wet wipes beer and nachos.
Randomize
