Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused
Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...
They're making him take his shirt off cause they think he's the bouncer. We're in his backyard.
it wasn't a total waste of time; I mean how often do you get to play scotch pong?
.....fair enough
Your cock has been in the back of my throat. Co-worker is no longer a sufficient title. Fix that shit ASAP
By far the fardest thing to do drunk is open a band aid
His favorite stripper is going to jail. He's taking it pretty hard
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
Fuck the library it's too quiet and makes me uneasy. I feel like I'm so isolated I should take off my pants or something
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
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