ya dads aren't the best wingmen
I just used Master P to describe what sound the letter U makes to my daughter...
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
But I thought everyone had breakup sex?
He got about halfway through singing "Drift Away" before he passed out and broke my coffee table.
Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!
I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
Well I'm going to San Francisco next weekend for pride. I'm sure I'll end up drunk and on a beach at some point.
You've never really lived until you tell someone you have an STD over snap chat.
IF YOU HAVE THE CHANCE TO HIT THAT, AND YOU DON'T, I WILL FUCKING CRUCIFY YOU.
You're such a supportive sister.
Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."
Randomize
