When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
She wanted to fuck you. You threw up on her. Congrats.
You bet me 100 dollars that the Raiders would win the super bowl this year. I have it on tape.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...
I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.
Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?
You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.
I'm offering you baseball tickets and my vagina, isn't that enough?
This juggling 3 dicks is getting exhausting
Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.
I left myself a note saying 'buy a hamster but not an orange one like this pen'
omg so drunk
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Just once, can I please come back to a room that doesn't smell like beer and cum?
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