Crying babies in a bar. Really?
And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.
So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
he's drinking at 8 in the morning. it's going to be one of those "or else the terrorists have won" kinda days
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out
This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.
I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.
Well if you're drunk enough to make some mistakes this week I'd be down to redeem myself for my poor performance.
I kinda took a step back after our "surprise bottles night"
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I only get hit on by people going through their midlife crisis. Yes, I did purposely write that gender neutral.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
PEOPLE ARE STILL EATING FAJITAS IN DROVES. BY THE CASELOAD. THERES A FORKLIFT OF SIZZLING MEATS.
Randomize
