i think my tv is drunk
..Thats also how I think I got the lyrics from MIAs Paper Planes Sharpeed on my ass? Maybe.
and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
He uses pillows to masturbate.
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion
He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
I'm 2 beers deep on an empty stomach, and I just wanna say, I pride myself on my use of commas
A picture of a damn cupcake brought back 3 fuckboys
I know it's 10:30am but Finding Dory starts in an hour, and I have four points of molly. You down?
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
Lmao. K I'll be 100% honest. I was over at your place like 12 hours ago with your roommate. If I hadn't of been there then I'd take you up on your booty call offer. So. If you're not creeped out another time please?
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