Listen: if you or anyone else at work finds a starfish in a bowl, just leave it. It'll be gone by next week.
Better yet, if you find it can you put it in the mini-fridge in your office for safe keeping? Spanks.
And if it's going to get me in trouble, maybe just don't mention that I know anything about it.
my penis says it needs to be in something. my phonebook says its you
no one should ever give us hovercrafts
Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!
Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
Literally the only reason we didnt get arrested was because the cop said I reminded him of Steve Stifler from American Pie
btw my ex came by last night and saw the pregnancy test intructions. awkwarrrrd.......
well I got an eye infection from a stripper motorboating me but overall it was a great weekend
At least you didn't get an invite in the mail to your fuck buddy's baby shower like I just did. My life is a sitcom
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
I'm at a Tim Horton's and two girls just came in handcuffed to eachother
Of course his biggest mistake was assuming that I ever gave a fuck to begin with.
Randomize
