walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall
does pizza still have the 5 second rule in the bubble bath?
drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA
I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.
When did we convert life to cartoon?
My life is sponsored by tidy cat kitty litter, Bacardi rum, and plan b.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
There are both cum and chocolate stains on my sheets. Can't decide whether this is a new low or a new high.
I can't believe we really went to walgreens to use their cork opener, bounced and drank a bottle of wine in a sketchy corner...
He sent me off with a naked dance ending in a meat swing. I don't think I'll be seeing him again.
I'm a mess. I mean I almost got off but I'm a fucking rubics cube down there so il givenhim the point
He said I have the “Denzel Washington” of vaginas.
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
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