no, no I am DEF NOT pregnant. typo. sorry, wanted to talk about us...
The more I sober up, the more sick I am/realize how weird dancing around a wine bottle was
Tiger Woods should have just walked in, gave everyone a high five, and left.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it
They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call
Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008
I was basically shocked at how calmly you accepted my violently shoving a french fry in your mouth.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I'll pass on that plan. The lack of my penis in new vaginas is no where on the itinerary.
Stuck in the Minneapolis airport for 3 hours with an expense budget and a wine bar. This could get out of hand quickly.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
Just watched someone fail a field sobriety test. Miserably. At 4:50p. I think it's my future husband
God bless him
Guy from the bar last night left his number on my waterbill on the counter, at the bottom he put don't forget I can hook you up at Little Caesars I work their part time.
You sure know how to pick em.
The problem with adderall is that no matter what I'm doing, I feel like it was the most productive thing I've EVER done.
Did you alphabetize our spice cupboard again?
...You'll thank me later.
But seriously like how many girls do you know that will do that on the first date?
One?
ONE! And it was was glorious!
Randomize
