my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today
Why is my head in the toilet this morning but there is vomit behind the toilet
Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
the $50 fast cash from checking button should just be retitled "8th of weed"
Silently passing ghastly beer farts as I move around the bridal department at Tiffany's. Call it my contribution to the holiday spirit.
I'm standing outside of the bar watching homeless men teach a kid how to pee of the sidewalk.
I've woken up in some weird places in my lifetime, but never in a tent in my own garage.
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
He said "I can't wait for you to feel me inside of you so I can tell you gently that you're mine" and left me a 4 minute voice mail of him crying after I told him I didn't want to be with him. 30 year olds are off limits.
I think the saddest part about my sex life is that most of it is pity sex.
Last night someone asked you what your favorite color was and you said "bagel."
Woke up, bank account is empty. Sock is still full of blood. Nothing in my pockets but a wireless mic and jenga pieces.
Randomize
