My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?
It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.
no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.
it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.
You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.
I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl
Tell him I'm the girl who was excited he spoke English. Then ask him where he picked me up from.
They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.
I try new drugs instead of new boys. That way you can't scold me about the importance of condoms
I woke up to the sound of him repeatedly tapping out SOS in Morse Code using his hard cock.
You slapped the bar and yelled "daddys thirsty!" at the lady behind the bar
To be fair I was thirsty
When she told you not to yell you looked directly at me and screamed "Man, she sucks!"
IM AT A ROOFTOP FUNDRAISER LOOKING OVER THE WHITE HOUSE I WILL NOT RUIN MYSELF
I have unfollowed so many people the only things showing up in my newsfeed are dog rescues and sloth memes
I'm still amazed at how you managed to get Doritos in my damn front pocket without me noticing. I got crumbs everywhere.
Randomize
