god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique
They're letting me teach a freshman-laden class now. This university needs better background checks.
You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.
Yes. No, I'm basically a superhero but with drugs. I'm robin hood. I steal from the rich (insurance and drug companies) and give to the poor (everyone I know).
You sprinted into the side of a parked car
I honestly feel really bad for any girl with a period that lasts more than a day
Everything about that text makes me want to throttle you and cry
The guys in the quick check just recognized me as the girl who bought rolling papers and whipped cream. This is the walk of shame on crack.
I just moonwalked my socks off. THAT LAZY. THAT HIGH.
And he's a cuddle champ. I know because I slept over because I don't know what boundaries are.
You are free to stop by. I promise to keep my penis in my leather pants
It took me longer to jump start my car and get to his house than the fucking actually took.....
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Randomize
