I am laying on the kitchen floor eating cold chicken fingers and drinking wine. welcome to my new years party.
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful
breakfast of champions
breakfast of stoners
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
Do to my newly discovered condition I'm having to resort to emergency beat sessions to avoid the temptation to text girls I know are easy slams.
And the night ended with some random dude pissing on a car in a vain attempt to find a proper bathroom. We, the drunk, salute you, sir!
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
You should feel special! You're also the only person I've ever punched during sex
Dude this weed has me so paranoid.
Yeah tell me about it I just screamed after I coughed because my own cough scared me.
He also sent me nipple clamps because romance is NOT dead
You laid on the floor and pet their rug. and then demanded Voss water.
I have a mild substance abuse problem, but I'm still a functioning member of society. America.
PSA Do not blow dry your junk.
Randomize
