She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.
Last time I stayed at my moms my fucking car got set on fire sooo maybe I should think this through.
Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.
My dad just sent me a text reminding me to bring the family beer pong championship belt. Thanksgiving 2012 just got real
He's rapping about a turtle neck sweater. Please come get me.
I just had a horrible epiphany. I have fucked girls younger than Star Tours
This text was so worth waking up to
We're getting paid a considerable amount of money to send each other pictures of our dicks...
I was dancing with a blow torch in one hand and a bowl of weed in the other
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
A massage should never include spaghetti sauce. shit was fucked up
We should write a country song: “Blacked Out on a Sunday”
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