Deadliest Catch is NOT foreplay
you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
She's never had brie before last night, don't know if I can date a girl that doesn't like soft cheeses.
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes
I managed to fit my wallet, my keys, my phone, Tammy's necklace, and $38.50 all in my bra. and $1.50 is in quarters. go me.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
It feels like im being cuddled by a thousand little smurf vaginas
You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good
My pants zipper is stuck halfway down. I have to interview an intern later. This day is gonna be amazing,
I probably should have eaten more before I started shotgunning beers at 9am, but it was so much damn fun.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
I went to bed early to get up and have a cup of coffee and watch a Sunday sunrise; and again you come home with no shirt and more stamps than my passport. Get the fuck up now, you are taking an Uber to waffle house. The order is in you name.
I don't wanna be 33 that's when Jesus died
Randomize
