A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.
he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety
Do you think he stole that soccer trophy that he gave you for the "best sweater award" from his five year old son?
she came back from her house with A paper cut , a 2liter of sprite with Bacardi , and half a mustache . we're inviting her more ofte
Also I just sneezed literally 12 times in a row so violently...boogers everywhere. Sorry to ruin the sexting. I just felt like you had to know
Dumb decision of the night...walking home drunk and smelling my pepper spray
I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.
I just want to trick people into going on dates with me so they can bring back to their houses and let me use their wifi.
I just found your ripped underwear on my chandelier. Care to explain?
He asked if I was going to squirt out my bday candles. I'm glad the perversion doesn't stop for special occasions.
It's been awhile, you pregnant yet?
His roommate walked in then asked "well did you at least finish". What a way to start your birthday
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
i woke up face planted on your ottoman..thanks for letting me sleepover
If he wants a future he'd best figure out the calendar function on his phone. If he can invite you to his penis he can invite you to his google cal.
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