In the airport and just saw a little boy put his head in his mother's crotch... I guess he took a whiff because he backed up and said loudly, "mommy your pee-pee is stinky!"
I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.
And when we woke up we made beer pancakes. Great start to a family picture day.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.
Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
I feel that the drunker I get, the drunker Facebook gets.
Bitch, it's 2 in the afternoon.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Well I'm trying out this whole "not sleep with a stranger thing"
That's silly... just silly. And by silly I mean unrealistic.
THERE'S MORE TO LIFE THAN JUST MISSIONARY
i just swapped my iPhone for a happy meal. this is greg btw, the hooker let me borrow her phone
where are my eyebrows?
i don't want him to see me in a bathing suit.
hasn't he seen you naked?
well yeah, but it's different in a bathing suit.
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