I can't find my pants or my car
I didn't even hookup I think I took them off at taco bell...
ha omg I always lose my dignity at taco bell as well... so no big deal.
Where you at
assisting at a photo shoot in williamsburg till 7ish. wassup?
Doesn't matter. I already jerked off in your bed.
Just found 50 pesos and a coke spoon in my dads old shit. Gotta love the 70s
He brought over a 20 dollar bottle of wine. Who does that? This is college.
Best. Handjob. Ever.
I'm guessing Kelly is over?
Nope. Home alone.
You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves
no. it doesnt count as road head if youre parked
If I ever die and svu has to come to my murder scene make sure they know I don't wear underwear always so it might not be as bad as they think
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I feel like death gave me a hand job
they wouldnt let me drive the convertible because i was in a bird suit :(
I'm sorry but you're choosing a girl that faked a pregnancy when you wouldn't return her calls over a more attractive sane girl who you begged for a chance with last week? God you're a loser.
I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
