Sooo... I woke up in the shower this morning. It was on.
'hiiiigh' is saved in my t9 for a reason
Bar. Show boob. Just one. Free drinks. Instant friends
Guys only need one. Little known secret. You're welcome.
this is like her 8th guy since december, is she wasn't frumpy people would call her a whore
the only difference between me and a prostitute was that i complained a lot more.
Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.
There's a girl sitting in front of me making a PowerPoint on Jack Bauer.
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
Slutty summer 2013 has officially started. I did accidentally bite a dick though.
i swear i was one second from getting his number and then the shrooms kicked in
Remember that St. Patrick's Day when I fucked your married coworker in his truck and the whole bar was chanting for you "Don't fuck Mike"?! #TheLuckOfTheIrish 🍀
Does fucking him in the back of the car with the sun roof retracted count as star gazing?
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
Randomize
