THE most awkward situation I have EVER been in
Also, I just threw up a little in my mouth and had to act like everything was totally fine.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.
just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.
I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.
The cops are here to take me to jail, so I guess I have to go with them. If I'm not out by 6 p.m., there is some left-over lasagna in the fridge for you.
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
So I'm already mostly naked in a kind of bed but obviously too lazy to take my boots off. It's like January 1st is already here
This feels more like a conference of all the people I've fucked in the past year.
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