my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
Update. It gets worse. A) he's done viagra and B) he wears socks at all times.
I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.
Rather than admit to myself he's hooking up with her right now, I choose to believe that he's not responding because he's masturbating to my picture, distraught over his poor choice, and trying to forget about the one that got away with a heavy dose of meth.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
But I wanna cuddle and just put my hand awkwardly close to your penis area by accident and look at you
damnit. I just found my cousin on tinder.
We lost a person.... if you see a man in yellow shorts and nothing else walking around let me know...
I just heard a crying baby from out my apartment window and yelled SAME
The Adderall says yes, but my body says no.
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