if one more of _____'s family tells me "you're next" i'm going to shoot myself. Thank god for gin (most protestant phrase ever at the most Jewish wedding ever)
Ask for a julep and start talking about how you much prefer the uncircumsized peen. that should probably stop them.
The mall is playing a fucking country mix of lady marmalade.
welcome to maine.
You were scared that your teeth were shrinking so you stuck your fist in your mouth. then you were convinced your hand was growing cuz it got stuck so yu started crying
getting kicked in the face by someone doing a keg stand. just my luck
Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently
I woke up in confetti... confetti and shame
Yeah, I fucked him. and the worst part is his name was Jesus. And nobody said it in Spanish. Just Jesus. There is no way I can avoid burning when I walk into a church from now on.
I will have you know I turned Latino David Arquette down for sex because he's married. Total. Moral. Victory.
Flo's in town, ain't she.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
As a courtesy going forward if you could not bang in my house that would be nice
We've been fucking like crazy ever since she quit her job..ive been running errands all day to stay out of the house and give my dick a day of rest
I hate my life now
I drank all the wines... and all th Doritos. Whilst watching Fat Camp. I need to reassess my values.
Just try and act like you're sober
I can't I snorted an anti depressant and he's pouring me tequila shots
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