I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
i was that girl throwing up in the urinal. it was a dark moment in my life.
I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.
It was ths the worst 15 minutes of my life. . . It was like fucking a warm stick of butter.
I am expending an amazing amount of energy to not throw up right now
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
if you had such a terrible roommate you would understand. jacking off in his conditioner is just the start.
I got kicked out of the hotel after wandering into the banquet kitchen at 2am trying to find the shrimp....so we're power napping in the car and then driving to madison.
Since when do you jog?
Since hot shirtless guy that lives across the street jogs
But now he's gone and I'm exhausted and my vagina is yelling at me and I want a cheeseburger
Oh wow and I have a bunch of portable wine glasses called to go coffee cups
THERE IS A DOG IN THE CLUB. I repeat a dog in the club. I might have laid down and petted it..I have no shame.
75% of the time I swipe right on Bumble for girls over 40 is because I think their 18 year old daughter is hot.
He ate me out on the front lawn of the post office. The people in the office across the road definitely got a show!
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