i awoke yet another morning with penis breath. ive been so generous santa has to bring me a shit ton of presents
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
I think I just used lyrics from the Sister Sister theme song to let a guy down easy...
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"
Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.
Well five day drinking adventure in appreciation of cinco de drinko under the belt, great way to start may
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.
Started mixing booze directly into the 2 liters and carrying them around. Mixing less often, and now kind of weightlifting,so double effecient.
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
I just typed "I've got a friend" and my phone autocompletes to "that's a dick appointment". What is my life.
i looked at my texts in the morning and saw that i had a full conversation with myself via text thinking it was someone else. i rejected myself
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