well. it's seven AM and i'm too high to hula hoop.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
If those antibiotics mean you can't drink, ya might as well pack your bags and re-enroll next fall, because sobriety this week would be social suicide.
The waitress asked if you wanted white or brown, and you said "Isn't it all the same color when it's toasted?". She stared at you for about 20 seconds before she decided that you weren't fucking with her.
Like I would feel weird too if you just cancelled our wedding, cut off all your hair and started twerking everywhere
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
there was a goddamn geisha at house. my dick feels more cultured.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I'm a shining star this evening. Dancing with a cane in rite aid now. I should be kept under survaillance.
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
His face will be in my vagina later so I'm willing to forgive.
He was singing on top of spaghetti, and then started crying. He said it was the saddest song ever, "so so sad".
Just confirming I will be washing my asshole at your house at approximately 2:45 tomorrow afternoon.
The strangest confirmation message ever sent.
Randomize
