i'm trying to reconcile what i did last night with who i am as a person.
I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch
enter at your own risk
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
i'm thankful for my girlfriend's hot cousins....god, i love her family parties.
guess what. just found out I had mono. no wonder alcohol didn't taste good on nye
Why do you have to go to the hospital?
I gotta apologize to a male nurse who's tryin to press assault charges on me
You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
Apparently coming home smelling like I took a bath in beer is frowned upon in this household. I'm so glad I don't actually live here.
Well. I went to a frat party where they mixed gin and Mountain Dew. My kingdom for some olives and vermouth.
I'm at a new rock bottom. Malibu on ice at work because it's the only thing they've got and no mixers.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
I am going to buy some m-80's and keep a bucket of them in the bathroom. That way I can just depth charge the toilet before each time I use it. Lets see how those snakes like cheap Chinese explosives
Yeah but sometimes your vagina needs to be fed and when we are drunk we tend to eat junk food
There's no good way to say, "sorry your son saw me naked on top of your brother"
Randomize
