it's too hot outside to masturbate.
Did you fuck her?
If by "fuck her" you mean "threw up on her shoes," then yes, I achieved that.
Think I'm gonna go cougar hunting tonight... Any advice?
condoms and good judgment
Can I buy both of those at the same store?
I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..
I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..
Living well is not the best revenge. Fucking his brother is.
Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I feel like I'm laying on a pillow cloud. With little baby angel fingers between me and the cloud lifting me up. Singing hymns in my ear.
OMG. Hung over at my grandparents house. Threw up on 3 T-stops, countless snowbanks, and the grandparents driveway. Was proposed to last night. Bruised from head to toe from falling down 3 flights of stairs. Debating my intelligence because it seems that "happy new years" is too hard for me to spell. How were your new years festivities?
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
Pretty sure that I just proved those labels that say "non-flammable" wrong. totally unrelated, We just made your futon fly with a shitload of fireworks
Dude I pissed in her little brother's closet and when I tried to flush the doorknob her parents came out and saw me standing there naked, no more ambien for me
Ya know. I was thinking of my slutty moments the other day and finally know which one makes the number 1 spot.
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
