So yesterday I was on craigslist and I saw a listing for a sofa-cum-bed. I knew what they meant...
I wish you could order shots online.
All I remember from my 21st is crying because the bouncer made him put his shirt back on
If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
I bet. I bought a surfboard and a kite and filled my camelback with vodka-tonics. Let's do this
all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.
We definitely need to avoid these "I'm gonna get stabbed if I stay here any longer" partys
you were feeling the wall and when we asked you why, you just said "because I want to know who lived here before"
Dude I'm at a bar, and there's this Elvis impersonator here that I went to rehab with. Apparently Elvis has left the wagon.
I saw a spider on my bed and my first reaction was to throw my weed bag to safety
Do you wanna fuck while my apple pie is in the oven?
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
I hate when I'm sexting and I make a typo.
You just killed the sext mood.
You went on the date? His pickup line was I swear I'm not a serial killer and you went on the date???
Randomize
