if i die, you can have my worn out liver and american apparel deep v's.sell the liver to a chinese restaurant
Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"
He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender
how do you say happy birthday to the guy that almost got you pregnant? i cant just write the same thing as last year.
gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
she's a dental assistant. she can get nitrous. kinda looks like a sloppy bucket of fuck. time to take one for the team. NEED SHOTS STAT!!
Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.
Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I woke up with my shoes still on and my pants around my ankles cause I couldn't get them over my shoes
Randomize
