i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.
I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.
my left tit made it into the crop job on your profile pic, I knew it was good for other things
I just had sex in the men's bathroom of a Chinese buffet...
YOU ARE MY HERO
Oh by "being festive" I mean make tacos for dinner.
Maybe if I get to know him I'll stop wanting to fuck his wife so much.
Eat your greens and take your tequila shots
I just licked wine off my own thigh. I've hit a new low.
She's still here. My penis can feel it.
Dude, I think she left with some dude like an hour ago
FOUND HER. I swear this thing is like a metal-detector
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I JUST SNEEZED WITH A MOUTHFUL OF CHEWED UP CASHEWS AND THEY CAME OUT MY NOSE AND IT HURT AND NOW I HAVE A LITTLE NOSEBLEED
Dude I just woke up naked on the floor with my dick in a boot. Legit in a fucking boot. I also have no idea where I am.
Randomize
