do you know anything about the $5 bill with my name stapled to it in my purse??
I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.
I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!
is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?
then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge
My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"
I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.
I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
He ended up buying the equivalent of dinner at a Mexican place, in weed
I saved a note for myself but all it said was "am I a slutty Holden Caulfield?"
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
What is the best medium with which to say, "Happy Birthday, I'm having your abortion"... Cake? Card?
Randomize
