....ANDDD I just became confused during sexting and sent my mother a text describing a "porno-worthy cum shot."
i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.
She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.
I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.
I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees
Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes
Indeed. Apparently I called my sisters and told them I wouldn't get arrested because it's not a real sword.
did you know the cops in wilco have clean up kits in their cars for when people puke in them? i found this out this morning. i'm finishing paperwork now. come get me plz?
I don't want a baby! I JUST WANT AN ORGASM THAT ISN'T SELF INFLICTED.
The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers
I vote we get high and sneak off to McDonald's to get mcflurries.
YES. ALL MY YES.
That pizza at 1 am literally tasted like I was eating an angel
I swear to god....if you can give yourself a brazilian you can take a fucking bullet
Maid of honor screwed up the joke so I just got to explain what a strap on is and why a married lady might want one to Grandma and my brother's wedding shower.
Why can't you just be normal and get dick pics from your exes like everyone else?
Randomize
