I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?
I don't even know what potassium is.
I went to the gas station and the lady goes I remember you. Broken sunglasses and puke on your car.
Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.
I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.
We were destined to go to rehab together
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
I or someone else dumped a lot of glitter into my boobs last night.
OMG I accidentally abducted a cat. Now there is a cat in my apartment. I NEED TO UNDO WHAT I HAVE DONE
you were on all fours in the front yard puking, but managed to hand the pizza delivery guy a beer and to have a nice day.
Just when I thought we may have our first low-key night together, I sang an Aladdin karaoke song to a bunch of roller derby girls, you took shots with married women, and we both fell asleep in our offices.
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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