drinking colt 45 because lando calrissian told me to
The way you explained my vagina was exactly the way I would of described my breakfast burrito.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?
homeless.
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.
Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model
She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"
Olive Garden will never be the same.
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
do you think your dog feels awkward being in the background of your nudes?
I'm in jersey with marbles.. He's blasted about to fuck a manatee and his entire family is trying to stop it. His mother punched me in the chest for not trying hard enough
I've sent two unsolicited tit pictures in less than 24 hours. I'm the female version of a fuckboy.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
So my dad just asked, "did you leave without pants a lil bit ago?"
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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