i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face
so you're single again?
yea but it was worth it
I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?
He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.
Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.
I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE
This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.
Those titties aren't worth a lifetime of listening to her talk about gluten free yams and japanese manga.
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
After seeing all of the pics during the trial, all I could think was "her vagina doesn't look THAT dangerous"
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon
Fuck it, if you can't drink cheep beer and whiskey with me, I don't want you.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Like, when both of your dads are drag queens you're bound to have some amazing Halloween makeup
You chugged Absolut from a beer bong. Why WOULDN'T you be a champion?
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
Randomize
