Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.
Come see our sink grown plant.
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'
Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.
No I am not eating basil off your cock
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
I would rather get explosive diarrhea at the aquarium than go home alone tonight
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
My ex-fiancee UPS-ed me a sixer of tall boys, and a fifth of bourbon for christmas, from halfway across the country. What does this mean?
I saved him in my phone as "Well-Hung Burrito Savior." I love Taco Tuesday.
I'll only sleep there if we can bone on your balcony.
Had to lock my cat in the bathroom so I could masturbate in peace.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
She's got a shotglass necklace, running down the street asking people to "fill her up". Get here.
Randomize
