I just want you to know the floor between our rooms isnt sound proof "Captain Cock"
She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"
I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
He left a trail of vomit straight from our dorm to the bathroom. Looks like we have our identities for the rest of the year.
110% paid for our cab with a lap dance
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Definitely had a dick in my ass while watching the Seahawks win. Best NFC Championship game ever.
He blacked out and wouldnt drink anything unless he funneled it, so I made him funnel water
There is no way to say this. Dude, I peed your bed. No questions, no answers. My flight leaves in 30 minutes. Use my detergent. Also, THE VODKA IN THE FRIDGE IS YOURS.
Even his sexts are poetic. He said breasts instead of tits so I'm gonna lock this shit down asap
I had nothing but condoms at the checkout, then grabbed a pack of Orbitz gum and said "gotta protect from bad breath" felt like a boss
The first thing he said was that my underwear smelled like Trix but then he looked up at me and whispered "Silly rabbit, vagina is for me."
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
What did you spend the night in her closet?
She said she was saving me for breakfast and locked me in there
Randomize
