i jhust puked up my retainher.
Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.
Talk about the highs and lows of a night out: had a threesome, then got robbed at knifepoint.
remember last night when you and I took turns yelling THIS IS HUGE in my dogs faces? I love wine night.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.
That Kevin guy is something else...His penis is fucking glorious. And he has a way with words. If he lived here I'd be the conductor of the fuck caboose. I mean literally I would never want to get off that thing.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
Pretty sure I just noped a member of the Canadian women's hockey team on Tinder.
I woke up and there was a mans ass as my screensaver...
She's really sweet and cute, but when she drinks, she becomes way too proud of her bush.
Just masturbating and watching Sports Center...is this what it's like to be a guy?!
So I slept with some guy last night and when I woke up in the am couldnt remember his name. I text him n asked "How do you spell your name?" to try n find out and all he replied was "With an A." WTF!?
don't worry dude i have your phone, text me when youre gonna come get it
THEY WILL NOT STOP FLINGING CARDS AROUND THE ROOM! It has been four hours. HOW CAN IT STILL BE ENTERTAINING?!?! I will be under the table if you need me.
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