when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.
My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.
pretty sure I offered to blow her dad. she's not speaking to me & he won't stop winking at me.
did i try to light ur hair on fire with a sparkler at the club saturday?
It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.
The other night I NICELY told her she looked like Jack Sparrow
It's that moment where you find out the girl you've been dating for 6 months is a mob daughter. Post breakup.
Donald Trump and I would be so adorably orange together!
Nursing home in NJ just got busted for prostitution and drugs...dropping off my deposit tomorrow
I literally farted midsex as a siren for him to get the fuck off me.. No such luck.
Are you proud of yourself?
ask me again when I'm drunk. Then fuck off.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
Let's put it this way. Mom is bringing me a new shirt and I smell like lube.
Fall is here I will miss walking downtown in nothing but paint and pasties
I opened the door, threw up on the street, wiped my mouth and flashed a thumbs up to all of the cars behind us and kept on driving
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