If I've learned one thing today? Blow jobs get you to state championships.
Alright. Who did it? Who's bangin' the ump?
Wtf. Who made this Big Mac, Helen Keller?
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.
I feel like I just walked the hall of shame thru the marriott. Everyone stared.
I think it was the shoes and limping. Not the sex. I could b wrong.
One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
But here's the wonderful thing about us. It's us. You could invite me over, get really wasted and end up sleeping with someone else and id be there in the morning to take you to breakfast.
I'm not gonna get my cat high anymore because what if he has a heart attack. I don't want to be responsible for that shit
LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY
what a fun peer-pressure-filled weekend
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
None of these texts make sense. except for "step 2.5 equals velociraptor." that i get.
Pinterest knows I’m getting divorced
you drug him to get him horny then deny him sex. freaks.
Randomize
