I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared
Oh. He liked you.
Then you said "Are you asian?, I didn't know there was Asians in Colorado."
You never go ass to mouth. That's quite possibly the most important rule Paramedic school has taught me.
Check that he is NOT ok. He just heated up SoCo and used it as syrup on his pancakes.
He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..
it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
I feel like I've been hit by a truck, flew up and landed on a fence post that went straight through my vagina. No more vodka and sex for a while.
She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes
Her roommate was talking on her cell when I came out of the bedroom and I definitely heard her describe how shitty and terrified I looked. Awesome.
No, I'm not a weirdo, I keep bondage straps under my matress like a normal person, not a diary.
Say whatever the fuck you want about me, but leave my deceased cat out of it.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
I bonged champagne. And did keg stands. What in the actual fuck am I doing with my life?
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