Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
You fucked her?! HER?!
She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.
Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.
I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays
You rolled onto your side and told me 'this is the recovery position'. That was after you were stoned. You've done this way too much.
You got banned for life from a $30 a night motel. What are you doing with your life?
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
Was it your intent last night to burn the house down? With a waffle..
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
You kept calling yourself a spider monkey... Then ran to the bathroom to "prepare for the main event"
Last night was a bad idea. I'm hungover and the contents of my purse smell like Korean BBQ.
Randomize
