well we can cross tagging a chick in a movie theatre off the list of things to do before we die
i need you to recap everything for me beyond "i think i'm gonna try vodka-pong"
i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
I didn't ask to see his penis, it was an ambush. Impressive though
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
COME HERE WE MELTED A CORONA BOTTLE WITH FIREWORKS
I was hoping for a marriage proposal... Or at least an offer to sleep in his bed.
He says I vaguely mumbled happy New year, kissed him, threw up and then went back to sleep.
I used his number to look up his customer information at work. He's no longer saved as Magic Penis in my phone.
I dunno I mean I feel like I owe everyone an apology except the two people I punched in the face
Random one night stand with a guy that had a USA tattoo on his ass. Can't possibly get more American than that
No way hahaha I have zero intention of adding him I wanna just join in on a three some but mostly just be there for moral support and snacks
before i went to bed i wrote myself a note that says 'i feel all swirly'
Just think how much she’ll hate me when she finds out I fucked her father
Randomize
