he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.
I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.
the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests
Dude feel your hair right now it feels so weird like pasta
just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore
Maybe someone other than the mad hatter should have gone with him to the ER
So there I was praying he didn't go limp again, choking on a long, long gray ball hair. This is my Saturday night. This. Is. My. Life.
You cant come. You're a Colorado native who drinks Bud over Coors. Fucking homegrown terrorist.
I suppose what I've learned from this experience is that sometimes you just have to make out with a narcissistic baby daddy to make a clean getaway.
I mean, he's 40, foreign, artsy but with substance abuse problems and estranged children. How is he not my type?
He passed away peacefully doing what he loved to do best. Eating a pound of vodka gummy worms and failing at sex and the city trivia.
The magnum condom fits. I feel like a manly version of cinderella
She fucked my eyebrows.. I've never had that done before.
Wait... Plucked, or Fucked?
Fucked, but I understand your need to clarify
You've got the chocolate, drugs and my pants. You hold all the cards...
Santi's no longer allowed to buy booze in my lane. Last thing I need is a midlife crisis looking at his Id again.
Randomize
