Now would be a good time to set your alarm to pick me up from jail in the morning.
When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...
It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.
Drunk. I slept-stripped.
By myself.
He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
My roommate says its rare that you can be tear gassed before you lose your virginity so i feel accomplished in life
Highlight of the night was you walking into the men's room yelling "My husband is diabetic" and crawling under the stall to yell at me.
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Adults smoke weed in footie pajamas man. You just gotta accept me for who I am.
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
I don't know if your celebrity crush has ever asked you for nudes, but it's fucking awesome
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
Just let me pee on you and I'll leave you alone.
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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