I just woke up surrounded in unopened snacks
i think the next time he gets me off i'm going to scream bangarang
ru fi oooo
woke up and her hair clip was clamped around my shaft
WHOA. WHOA. WTF. WHOA. TOO HIGH FOR HIM TO BE ENGAGED RIGHT NOW.
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.
Just walked into the library with a case of Strawberitas in hand.. no one said a word.. I think they were just impressed I knew where the library was
Themes for tonight: men who look like bill Gates but sing smash mouth songs. Women who's names are also food. Haircuts that DO NOT cover bald spots.
I think I swiped left on my soulmate
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
Are there rules against fucking your ex's dealer?
I don't want them thinking I'm like, "Mm, yeah, kitchenware in my ass please."
Randomize
